[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
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Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
The future is now.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?