A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
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I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.