Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
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can you read it!!??
maan!
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).