a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
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App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
it’s either covid or clever vampires
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.