Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
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I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.