one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
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If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.