For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
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FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy