Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
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The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
The only equipped I am is ill.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.