[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
You Might Also Like
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.