[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
How high do the levels go?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.