A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
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Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Travel bloggers during quarantine
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL