What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
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[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Never forget.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter