Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
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If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
*pronounces patio like ratio
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance