I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
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One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha