What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
You Might Also Like
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I put the p in pants.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.