A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
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Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
felt that
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Hell yeah 👍
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating