teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
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*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
The USS B port
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Body by Oreos
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago