I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
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Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Ferrari squats
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.