Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
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If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
happy mother’s day❤️
The Assassin.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them