these two trucks have the same bed length
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Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Noted.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.