I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
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[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.