[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
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I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE