Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
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want me to check your oil?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old