ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
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If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.