is it earth
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People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”