Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
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*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences