How I like cutting carbs
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“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Care for your back
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no