Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
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If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.