*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
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Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.