When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
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The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Everything reminds me of my ex
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.