[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
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I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?