Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
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In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
*pokes sex life with a stick
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.