The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
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My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.