[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
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I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Guantanamo Bae
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.