me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
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i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
#dnd #ttrpg
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Admin smashed it 😂
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.