[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
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If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I’m not average. I’m mean.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I’M CRYINGGG
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Mad Max: Furry Road
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.