I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
You Might Also Like
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
ugh not again
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken