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“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I can’t deal with men any longer
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????