Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
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*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
this makes me so uncomfortable
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”