‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
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Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Become ungovernable.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Just parrot things
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.