There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
You Might Also Like
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!