it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
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Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.