Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
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So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone