[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
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I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?