Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
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my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.