You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
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“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap