Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
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I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.