Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
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I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.