What number SPF blocks people?
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Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
*limbos away from your hug*
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.