him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
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You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!